Compassion
“Compassion is a verb” -Thích Nhất Hạnh
This word and concept has come up regularly with my coach over the last four years, and again this week.
Its definition often gets muddled with similar concepts.
Sympathy is feeling for someone. Headlines trigger sympathy for those suffering around the world.
Empathy is feeling with someone. What drives me to raise money for epilepsy research is sharing in the suffering my son has endured.
Both are outward-facing. They don’t demand I examine my inner world.
I can direct my energy toward solutions: write a check for the starving children of Gaza, lead a triathlon team to raise funds for epilepsy research.
But compassion is different. It goes beyond empathy, towards helping alleviate the suffering.
It asks me to overcome my instinct to defend, protect, and prioritize myself, and instead put someone else’s needs before mine.
With my kids, it’s instinctive. Nature wired me to give my life for theirs.
We tend to think of compassion as something we offer the world at large.
But the real dojo of compassion is my marriage. My family.
With those closest to us, compassion often feels impossible.
Because In the heat of conflict, instinct pushes me to defend, shut down, withdraw. And there is No shortage of conflict, small and large, with our closest relatiionships.
Real growth is resisting that instinct and building the mental strength to respond instead of react.
Nothing is more difficult. Which is why I pursue it.
The obstacle is the way.
The Coaching Insight
I’ll never forget a conversation with my coach a couple years ago.
I was replaying a conflict with my wife, convinced of how right I was and how wrong she had been. My voice dripped with judgment.
He simply asked: “How do you step into compassion for her at that moment?”
I laughed. “Compassion?! Are you listening? Isn’t it obvious how wrong she is?”
That’s the work.
Stepping out of my need to be right, and into genuine curiosity about what’s happening for the other person.
Pausing. Setting aside ego.
Asking: What’s really going on for them? How might I have contributed? How can I help them feel seen and understood?
That shift feels impossible because it goes against the ego. But this is where real growth happens.
You can be right, or you can be happy.
The Dojo of Life
The martial arts belt system is a useful metaphor. It can take a decade of practice to earn a black belt.
Inner work like this takes a lifetime.
Marriage is my daily training ground. My wife is my emotional Bruce Lee. For 18 years, our challenges have knocked me flat — and forced me to grow.
I don’t know what belt I’ve earned. Somewhere in the messy middle between black and white.
Some days I level up, other days I fall back into old patterns.
Just when I think I’ve advanced, I find myself ruminating in self-righteousness again.
This week, my brother tested me too.
The easiest path was to react, to close off. But compassion asks me to stay open, even when it feels undeserved.
Not by excusing behavior or abandoning boundaries, but by holding the possibility that the other person is fighting unseen battles.
The Journey
Compassion isn’t sainthood.
As I told my coach Friday “This all sounds real nice and easy if you’re the Buddha!”
But I strive to level up.
It’s about trying, failing, and trying again. I know my ego will often prevail, but the practice changes me.
Every time I choose compassion when my instincts scream otherwise, I carve a new pathway in my brain.
That’s why I see compassion as the noblest path I can walk.
Our culture rewards self-interest. But for our relationships to thrive, and maybe even for our species to survive, we need people willing to model compassion.
It is slow, often agonizing work.
The well runs dry often. But with practice, reflection, and quiet space to reset, it deepens.
Over time, I trust I can shift the balance toward compassion. Until it becomes less of a lofty idea and more of a daily choice.
The hardest, and most important, one I can make.
#coachkris
P.S. Compassion is a feeling. Learning how to feel something is part of what makes this work so challenging. I discovered the practice of Loving Kindness, or Metta, through Sharon Salzberg. I can back to it this morning. I needed help to shift out of my ego feelings from conflict into a more expansive space where I can embrace the wisdom I write about above. This helps everytime.
