Intimacy

“Intimacy is not something freely given. It must be earned, again and again, through presence and repair. —Terry Real

My wife just gave me a long hug.

It changed everything about my energy in just 20 seconds.

I softened. My whole internal state shifted.

I scrapped two hours of writing on a different topic because this shift felt too important not to explore.

We’ve been married for almost 18 years.

After all that time, it’s so easy to forget how powerful those little moments of intimacy are.

They are so easy to sail right past.

And as we sail past those moments of connection, the emotional distance between us can grow—even as we live physically right next to each other.

A conversation I heard this week reminded me of the concept of “you, me, and we” in relationships—and the foundational importance of attending to we.

Something that, no matter how long you’ve been with someone, is always worth being reminded of.

In fact, maybe the longer you’ve been together, the more you need the reminder.

“Us: Getting Past You and Me”

That’s the title of a book by relational therapist Terry Real. His work has helped me tremendously in my marriage—and in understanding myself in conflict.

He says that every relationship is an endless cycle of harmony, disharmony, and repair.

We’re going to disagree, argue, and fight. And we’ll often hurt the ones we love most by saying things we don’t really mean in the heat of the moment.

This happens because our emotional (limbic) system gets flooded with energy, and our prefrontal cortex—the part responsible for reason—shuts down.

Our emotions grab the wheel. And sometimes they run right over our partners. They might even throw it in reverse and back over them for good measure.

That’s why repair is key to any long-term relationship. Without it, emotional hurt lingers and festers.

Intimacy and connection are the fuel that repair runs on.

If that tank’s always on empty, the car’s going to break down.

Keeping the Rhythm

We can think of our relationships like music—and intimacy as the rhythm that holds it all together.

The beats of that rhythm need to be steady, reliable, and give structure to everything else.

I heard this metaphor in the conversation linked below in which they also shared great examples of how to keep that beat.

That’s where our new morning hug habit comes from. Followed by an evening hug—which I already messed up on day one (!) because I was too tired.

And that’s the point. So many things in life conspire to make us lose the beat of our relationships:

Our kids. Our jobs. Our exhaustion at the end of the day.

But when we consistently miss the beats we know are the backbone of our connection, we can’t be surprised when everything goes out of tune.

And that’s the real work.

The Work

More than anything, it’s our own internal noise and relational programming that makes relationships so hard.

Terry Real says we all choose partners who are exquisitely calibrated to press our deepest, most subconscious triggers. (Where was that advice 18 years ago?)

So much of life is lived unaware of that subconscious programming.

And Real says this is exactly why relationships feel so perfect in the beginning—before life starts really challenging us.

It’s not that we choose the wrong partners.

Quite the opposite.

They’re the right people to help us grow—because they challenge what we think we know about ourselves.

When they say marriage is hard work—this is what they mean.

And I’ve learned the hard way: the real work is the work you do on yourself.

To get curious about that internal voice that shows up—so certain of its superiority.

To escape the gravity of your own ego and its focus on self-preservation. To truly prioritize growth and the “we.”

Even—and especially—when that voice of “you” insists it’s right.

Nothing changes until you do. I speak from experience.

Lightening the Load

This work of evolving in relation to your partner—to we—is maybe the hardest part of mental fitness and personal growth.

It can feel like a 400-pound mental bench press.

You look at it and think: Why bother? I’ll never lift that.

Let’s be real: despair happens in relationships.

But if we’ve prioritized those daily beats of intimacy, the weight doesn’t feel quite as heavy to lift.

We begin to see that when the music has stopped, it’s usually our own ego that’s keeping us from finding the beat again.

That’s when we find ourselves in choice.

We can choose the discomfort—the hard (sometimes really hard) work of repairing.

When we help our partner feel seen and heard—when we speak and listen with the intention to repair, not to be right—we can drop the needle back in the groove.

And the beat comes back.

Sometimes, all it takes is a hug.

–CoachKris

P.S. People know that coaching and psychology are my love language so this gift of a conversation was sent to me by a former colleague. The first 30 minutes are coaching oriented but the last half (Starting at :30 minutes in) is pure gold relationship advice. I shared it with my wife and we both took some of these lessons to heart.

Relationship Coaching School Podcast : Reframes with Master Coach John O’Connor