Values

“If the path before you is clear, you’re probably on someone else’s.”— Joseph Campbell

I lived for 45 years before ever reflecting on or naming my values.

It was one of the first things my coach asked me to do when we started working together. From a list of a hundred or so words, I whittled down to a half dozen that seemed to capture what I held most important in life.

That exercise gave me clarity. Over time, it helped me see where my actions were misaligned with what I said I valued.

Since then, I’ve made progress in closing that gap between intention and action.

My belief in what’s possible for my life has expanded as a result.

If beliefs are the maps we use to create our reality, values are the compass that guides us through that world.

I’ve been reflecting deeply on values this week, and one big question occurred to me:

What the hell was guiding me all those years before? What values was I living and where did they come from?

Walking the Path

In describing the Hero’s Journey, Joseph Campbell talks about coming to the edge of a dark wood and seeing a path laid out before us. He suggests we ignore that way in, it’s someone else’s.

We have to create our own.

Clearing your own path is hard. It’s so much easier to walk a trail someone else has already carved.

It’s unsettling to realize that for over four decades I’ve been walking a path shaped by society, culture, and family — to admit I was living unintentionally.

My ego protests: “NOT TRUE! I’ve made these decisions. I’ve intentionally designed this wonderful life that is so uniquely my own. Look at the house, the job, the bank account, the comfort and security of it all.”

It’s so tempting to believe that!

And I have. For years, I assumed those markers of external validation were the way.

And why wouldn’t I? It’s what we’re taught — by families, schools, cultures, society.

Doubt

I continue to wrestle with this. Why is all this introspection and focus on growth so important to me?

Especially when I’m with my oldest friends — the ones I met early on the path I walked through my 20’s and 30’s.

At dinner with college roommates and dear friends this week, we talked and laughed for hours, remembering good times.

Most of those memories involved being drunk or out of my head in some way.

I love laughing about those stories. I wouldn’t trade them for anything, wild as they are.

But I also look back and remember how utterly incapable I was of enjoying myself without a substance. How every fun experience revolved around catching a buzz.

Driving home, those old neural pathways lit up. Doubt crept in. A voice whispered: What’s all this effort for anyway? Just lighten up and have some fun.

The tension was uncomfortable. But I recognized what was happening. Familiar pathways tied to those fun memories were firing, and my mental gas tank was depleted at the end of a long day.

Just that awareness lightened the load. I knew the source of those thoughts wasn’t connected to my values.

I knew I’d wake up feeling grounded again. And I did.

More than that I, felt my courage strengthened having honored my values — Connection and Presence — both newly named since I first did this excercise a few years ago.

I love those guys. I don’t see them often. When we’re together, I want to be there fully. Fully present in the energy of our laughter and decades long friendship,

The occasion this week was a 50th birthday, and at this point I know I can’t take these get togethers for granted.

I don’t want to miss a moment. Not just the big ones with people I care about.

But all the little ones in between.

Curiosity vs. Fear

I’ve realized one core value has always been with me — even when I didn’t know to name it.

Curiosity. It’s taken me on wonderful adventures in my life. Traveling after college. Living in different cities. It’s kept my mind full of books and ideas. It fuels my growth, especially the uncomfortable kind.

It’s scary to leave old ways behind. I’m afraid that some of my longest friendships might fray or even break. Maybe that’s irrational?

But when you’ve always shown up one way, and then you change — does the relationship change too?

That fear is how the ego keeps us stuck on the old trail. It spins stories to keep us from stepping into the unknown.

But a couple years of walking this new path has proven something: I’ve never enjoyed life, and the friendships and experiences that make it rich, more than I do now.

This experience has confirmed for me the power of values.

They guide you through the dark and uncertain moments. When you’re scared because you don’t know what comes next.

Even when the destination isn’t clear and the ego wants to turn back, you keep walking - because you trust the direction.

New Dimensions

A fellow coach once shared a metaphor that stuck: As we grow, we break through an invisible shell — expanding into a new, larger one. Then we grow again. And again. This continues until our last breath.

That’s the shift I feel. My soul’s whisper finally overtaking the bullhorn of my ego.

But the cultural path teaches the opposite — that as we age, life contracts. That we’ll inevitably lose our vitality, health, and mind, until we settle for a life of watching television and passive observation.

RAGE AGAINST THE DYING OF THAT LIGHT!

There are always new adventures to take, new challenges to face — even if they’re not as grand in scale as they once might have been.

You don’t have to look far for those challenges. Just notice your fears. They always mark the edge of your next evolution.

But first, you have to prepare.

Make sure your pack contains the most important tool of all:

A clearly defined set of values — to guide you into the beautiful, uncertain life you’re here to live.

-Coach Kris

P.S I ask every new person I work with to do a values exercise. If you’re interested in exploring this exercise for yourself, shoot me an email and I’ll send you the sheet.